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Silence, Raw and Unfiltered

silent-heart-attack

Silence. Followed by an after shock, that can’t be silenced.

 

Always putting mind over matter, and now here is my body wondering why matter, doesn’t matter.

It’s usually mind vs heart, intellect vs sentiment, logic vs emotion. But where does that leave the physical?

Mind over matter. It’s something we say to ourselves or each other with the hope to support, motivate or encourage. Telling ourselves if we put our mind to it, we can make it happen. Telling each other if we can think it, we can will it. Mind over matter – it’s strength, it’s inspiration, it’s a miracle making mindset, no questions asked.

It’s what’s gotten me through till now…

35mm, Boy did we dance! A spring fling with promise, it could have been something real, but instead it only lasted through the summer.

Bedtime snuggles with thoughts of a future, midnight lucid dreams full of you, early morning spooning with the hope you bring, followed by morning coffee with a new promise, you always on my mind. Walks on the water, picnics in the park, exploring the city with someone new, rooftops and tunes with you in my sight, dancing the night away, bikini on top and sun-kissed skin, thought this could last forever but instead it was the last time we saw each other.

If I had known, I would have said a proper goodbye. Thanked you for the amazing time we had together and for bringing out a new, old me. Thanked you for sharing an untethered hope and dancing with me.

Silence or noise amongst noise, can’t tell the difference but either way I didn’t hear it. Saw it coming, felt like it was a matter of time but ignored the gut feeling without ignoring it completely because I was happily distracted by you.

Noise amongst noise, I really didn’t know the difference. Carrying on like normal, pushing through as always, steppin’ in as I promised myself I would. I didn’t hear it happen, but WOW did I feel the aftershock.

I still am, and can’t seem to shake it.

It’s like I took a million steps back, physically and literally. The progress I had made was slow, sloth like by normal measures, but in the moment it felt like good progress. Now looking back, it took me over two years to physically and mentally get myself to where I was the day the silence hit me.

This realization came with the harsh truth of how long it could take to work my way back, IF I could work my way back. As I lay there, too aware of every struggle and gasp (for air), I was painfully aware of how much of a setback this was.

I’ve had setbacks before and always told myself, or rather convinced myself, that setbacks were resets for the right time. But right now that seems like the BS it sounds like.

I couldn’t help but wonder what the heck I’m doing to myself. Why am I continuing to push my body just because my mind decides that’s what it wants.

Mind over matter, but why doesn’t matter, matter? I found myself distinguishing between my body and my mind. Usually we differentiate mind from heart, but for me these two had seamlessly fused together over time, on the same vibe when it came to this topic.

At the risk of family and friends wondering if I need to be committed… I found myself differentiating my body and my mind, where “I” was a third party and the decision maker. The one who decided mind over matter is the way forward.

My mind and heart aligned, leading, willing and forcing the way. “I” allowing them to do so and in the process muting my body.

But my body could no longer be silenced.

All I know right now is my body has been neglected, pushed in ways no one should. Continuing to be expected to get with the program my mind/heart has put together, while bearing the brunt and consequence of our decision.  And as I think of it this way, I can’t help but feel heartless and biased. No wonder my body feels like it’s compromised, ignored, worthless, without opinion or value, it doesn’t even have a seat at the table.

Well, that day, it staked its claim, loud and clear, and it hasn’t budged. It will be heard, it must be considered.

I still believe in mind over matter, but I’ve now learned that other things DO matter. Adaptation continues to be my life lesson. We must listen to everything, taking it all into consideration, regardless of what’s at stake. Usually the things we don’t want to hear are exactly what we need to hear.

The truth is a few months ago, I took more than a million steps back. Slingshot back to where I had started, with the harsh realization that I may not be able to make my way back. With the uncensored awareness that pushing through may not always be the right thing. Raw and unfiltered.

Not sure if this too will pass or if it is semi perm to perm, either way I’m okay.

But the one thing I do know now that I didn’t know 3 months ago…is I CAN still dance even if I don’t make my way back.

It’ll be without the untethered hope and may not be PC, but it will be me, with no apology.

2020, I hope you’re ready for me and this raw, underground, explicit LP track that’s already on play.

 

Related Posts: Steppin Into, 35mmBreatheMasterpieceIt is writtenA Letter to My CancerHeadphonesHopeAmazing. Priceless. Blessed.Heartbroken3 x 3 x 3

 

 

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This entry was posted on January 2, 2020 by in cancer, Story and tagged , , , , , , .

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